It Brought Me To My Knees...

As I alluded to in the last post, infertility affected Lauren and I in such different ways as individuals.  I’ll try to walk you through what we were both went through, but to be honest, I'm not sure I will ever be able to firmly grasp exactly what Lauren was feeling or dealing with.  My goal in this post is to start to give you a little insight about how infertility affected me as a man, a husband, and a hopeful soon-to-be father. Please forgive me if this post seems a little disjointed, this is by far the hardest post I have written so far and I’m finding it hard to accurately put all of our feelings into words.

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There was never any disagreement, Lauren & I have always wanted kids.  Though it may seem weird to some, we started talking about having kids someday while we were still just dating. We talked about how many kids we wanted, about having biological kids, and about adopting (more on this in a later post).  For us, it wasn't ever a question of if, just a question of when.

Like a typical guy, it took me a little longer to be ready for the kind of responsibility, that kind of life changing commitment that is required when you have a kid, but it wasn't ever due to a wavering of my desire. Lauren always viewed having kids as a blessing that she just didn't want to wait for any longer, but I had some trouble getting past asking myself, "How are we going to pay for this thing?" I think that the majority of this was bred out of the distinct roles that God has designed us to play as parents; Lauren, as the mother and nurturer, and me as the father, provider, and protector.  No difference in value or importance, just a difference in the roles we were made to fulfill. 

For better or for worse, when I thought about having kids, one of the first things that crept into my mind was the checklist of things we would need to provide for this kid.  Daycare, health insurance, diapers, formula, a nursery, a college savings plan...it seemed like an endless list to me. I knew we could do it, but selfishly, I also knew that our lives would change drastically and I wasn't quite ready...but knowing what I know now, it's hard for me to not feel a little bit of guilt about this decision.

I don't feel guilty for wanting to be prepared before we brought a life into this world, but I feel guilty for the pain that I feel like I unknowingly helped contribute to Lauren.  While I know that there wasn't anything that I could have done to prevent the struggles we went through due to the infertility (Lord knows I tried to come up with every possible solution), I just can't help to think that if I hadn't have needed so long to "be ready", maybe Lauren wouldn't have experienced so much of the daily pain I saw her go through in the months leading up to our pregnancy.  Maybe if I hadn't made her wait so long the struggle wouldn't have taken the toll that it eventually did.

Those of you that know me well know that I am the epitome of a "doer" personality.  I get a huge sense of satisfaction by being able to identify a problem and fix it.  I've always been this way and my self-reliance, while often a positive, normally is the single biggest attribute that causes strife in my daily walk with God.  I am way too quick to say "Don't worry, I've got this" instead of "God, let me give this over to you."  God has to constantly remind me that if I were left up to my abilities, I would come up severely lacking, and in a nut shell, that's why our battle with infertility was so hard on me.  Not because I was having to wait for something that I really wanted, but because I was completely powerless in the situation that surrounded me.  My wife, the person that I love most in this world, was in spiritual and emotional warfare unlike anything I had ever seen and there wasn't a single thing that I could "do" to make it better.  No action I could take, no words I could speak, nothing seemed to have an impact of any significance.  Though we were going through this together, we often felt alone and alienated because neither one of us could understand just how the other one felt. 

Let me back up a bit and fill you in on how we progressed to this point because I believe that understanding the journey will help you to better understand the struggle.  When Lauren & I first got married, we did the birth control thing for a little while, but were really never able to find a drug/dosage combination that worked for us.  Most of the ones we tried either made Lauren feel bad or affected her moods and personality pretty severely, so we decided that it wasn't worth Lauren's happiness (or mine for that matter, because "Happy wife, happy life", right!?!) to continue.  We decided at that point that we would just go about our business and if we got pregnant, then that was God's timing and we would rejoice and start to prepare to become parents.  

This continued for a couple of years without as much as a false alarm.  As a guy, I never thought twice about it, ignorance is bliss, but as a woman and a medical professional, this was the beginning of what was going to be a very long almost 3 and 1/2 years for Lauren.  We didn't actively start trying to have a baby until after we moved to Houston which was about 2 years after Lauren coming off of her birth control.  At that point, we held our breath every month in anticipation of a positive test, only to be met with disappointment time and time again.  The disappointment was hard for me, but I had no idea just how hard it was on Lauren.

For me, the struggle to have a baby didn’t begin until we actively began trying to have a baby.  I would always jokingly tell Lauren that up to then we were just practicing and I had never enjoyed practicing more!  But for Lauren, the struggle had started 2 years before that and had been slowly escalating every day since.  It breaks my heart to think that my wife had been hurting for years and I never had a clue. 

As the weeks turned to months and the months into years, Satan continued to subtly attack Lauren.  So much so, that the last few months before we got pregnant, Lauren was battling a serious case of depression and was at the point that she was beginning to lose her desire for motherhood.  Watching her battle this is absolutely the single hardest thing that I have ever done.  The depression completely transformed the woman I loved into someone that I didn't even recognize.  It tore me apart on the inside to be absolutely helpless in comforting my wife.  I did absolutely everything that I could think of to try to lighten Lauren’s load, but nothing seemed to help.  I had been praying for Lauren and our future baby for years, but I had never been brought to my knees to beg God like I was while Lauren was battling her depression.  I begged God to provide Lauren with some relief, to either help us to get pregnant or to change the desires of our hearts.  I knew He heard me, but I just couldn’t see relief in sight.

This time in our lives was incredibly difficult, but God never ceased to provide for us.  When we moved to Houston our first priority was to find a new church home.  We visited several amazing churches, but ended up choosing to join Houston’s First Baptist because of the community we found in our Life Bible Study class (it’ll always be “Sunday School” to me).  God knew that we needed community after moving so far away from family, but little did we know, he hadn’t just given us community, but he gave us the exact group of individuals that we would need to help up almost 2 years later.

We immediately got very involved in our class and joined a small group Bible study that met on Monday nights.  We hadn’t been attending but maybe a month when we noticed a trend in the prayer requests.  Out of maybe 5 or 6 couples, 3 of them were currently dealing with infertility.  Lauren and I prayed and prayed for each of these couples and rejoiced with them when they each had their precious little babies.  Little did we know that it wouldn’t be long before the roles were reversed and it was us asking these same couples to petition God in prayer on our behalf.

More next time…

In Him,

Chad

Taboo Or Not, Things Are About To Get Real...

First, let me apologize for the month long hiatus I’ve taken from posting.  It wasn’t really an intended break, but more a combination of life getting really busy and not quite being able to find the words to express this next part of the story.  The next part is probably the hardest to talk about, but as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, it’s the hardest parts of our stories that often have the most meaning and the biggest impact.  I’m going to attempt to tell our story to the best of my abilities and pray that God uses them to help someone else that may be going through something similar. 

Before we get to the tough stuff, I want to give everyone a quick update on Lauren and our precious little baby. 

 It’s a Boy!

Lauren is finally feeling much better and back to being more of herself again.  She still has some residual blurriness in her eye, but it is significantly better and to the point now that she doesn’t really notice it most of the time.  Praise God for this healing!  Lauren is still taking the blood thinner shots twice a day, but with no side effects and minimal bruising.  We are now at 23 weeks and little Graham has passed every test so far with flying colors.  We had the full anatomy scan a couple of weeks ago as well as an echo of Graham’s heart, both of which came back completely normal.  We appreciate your continued prayers for health for both Lauren and Graham!  Now for the main event.

When it comes to couples having a baby, there is one word above almost any other that for some reason is absolutely taboo to talk about, but that’s exactly what we’re going to do today.  Why?  Because it needs to be talked about…that and I kind of like to push boundaries. 

So what’s this incredibly awkward topic?  Infertility.  It’s not a four letter word, but it is often treated as such, if not worse.  You want to make someone uncomfortable at a dinner party?  Just comment that you and your spouse are struggling with infertility and you will have people running for the doors faster than if you started to do an interpretive dance to a Sarah McLachlan song.  But seriously, it is amazing how quickly people, regardless of how well they know you, will start to squirm and look for their exit when this conversation comes up.

I’m really not sure why infertility has become such of a taboo subject in our culture, but that’s probably not surprising to those of you who know me well because I really don’t shy away from talking about much.  I might not bring the topic up, but I’m rarely going to change it.  I’m also sure that the fact that I am a guy plays very heavily into my inability to understand.  As you’ll see through the next series of posts, I learned the hard way that issues of infertility attack and affect guys in an incredibly different way than they do you ladies.  I’m sure many of you are thinking to yourself, “Men and women are different!?!  Amazing conclusion Captain Obvious!” and you’re right, but you’ll just have to bear with me because I can be a little dense at times.

Approximately 1 out of every 8 couples of reproductive age will be diagnosed with infertility, so it is not at all uncommon, just rarely spoken about.  Infertility can take many forms and affects every couple differently.  About 40% of infertility cases can be attributed to male factors, 30% to female factors, and the remaining percentage to a combination of problems in both partners or other unexplained causes. The average couple, ages 29-33, only has  a 20-25% chance in any given month to conceive.  After 6 months, 60% of couples will have been able to successfully become pregnant without any form of medical assistance.  After one year of trying (or 6 months if the woman is over 35), a couple will officially be given the diagnosis of “infertility” and doctors, depending on their opinion on varying philosophies, will begin to start the process of running tests and/or prescribing medications. Source 

Notice that I always use the term “couple”.  I do so because infertility does not only affect one individual, but rather the couple as a whole.  Not only because it “Takes two to tango” if you catch my drift, but because that diagnosis formalizes a fear that has gradually been growing for several months and signals the beginning of an often long and torturous physical and emotional battle.  It will manifest itself differently, but it will affect you both, and if you let it, drive a wedge between you.  

After receiving the diagnosis, the coming days are a whirlwind of decisions and emotions, not to mention much doubt and fear.  Over the next few days and weeks, I’ll walk you through our journey, step-by-step, and let you have an inside view of what our struggle looked like.  As you read this, Lauren & I ask that you do two things.  First, say a little prayer for Lauren & I because telling our story makes us vulnerable and many of our wounds are still very fresh.  Secondly, please say a prayer for those couples that are battling infertility because it is so often a long, lonely journey that you probably will have no idea that they are on.  They likely won’t understand why things are working out the way that they are, so pray that God give them strength, peace, and patience.  Until next time…

In Him,

Chad

If you are wanting to know more about support for infertility, check out Focus On The Family, the Waiting in Hope ministry at our church, or you can watch a sermon covering the topic from Pastor Gregg Matte HERE. 

You know what the news is -- in a minute, you're going to know the rest of the story...

Growing up, one of my favorite things to hear on the radio when I was riding around with my parents was Paul Harvey's, "The Rest of The Story".  I was always loved hearing the back story to famous events or how some common household item was actually invented by mistake.  I was always fascinated to learn the "why" behind the "what".  This post is going to attempt to start to tell our "Rest of the Story".

For more about the "Rest of the Story" including some audio of Paul Harvey's more famous segments, click here.

Over the last few days Lauren & I have used this blog to tell you about what has been going on in our lives recently, both the joys and some of the struggles.  We decided to do so in order to first and foremost, show God's faithfulness and provision, but also to hopefully provide some strength for others that are going through some of the same things we did and maybe tackle a couple topics that for some reason seem to be taboo in today's society. 

There's no way that I can tell the entire story today, so I'm going to try to start at what I believe to be the beginning, the real reason "why" 2015 has proven to be, in many ways, our toughest year of yet. 

When Lauren and I moved to Houston, one of our first priorities was to find a new church home. After visiting several great churches, we really felt called to join Houston's First Baptist Church.  We were a little worried at first about joining a church of that size, but we very quickly got involved in a Life Bible Study (it will always be "Sunday School" to me) and small group which helped make us feel at home.  We feel absolutely blessed to be apart of such an amazing church body, one that is incredibly externally focused (more than 60% of its' budget goes outside the walls of the church) and dedicated to living out the Gospel.  I could go own for days about how God is moving in that church, but let me move on to how it affects this part of our story. 

We were approached in late 2014 by the directors of our Life Bible Study and asked if we would be willing to step into a leadership positions and fill in for them while they were out after the birth of their first child.  Lauren and I excitedly agreed and began preparing to take on the new responsibilities. (Well, maybe I was a little more gung ho about it because part of the job required me to get in front of the entire class each week to speak and everyone knows how much I just HATE to be in front of a crowd!) 

We felt that God was calling us to serve and so we wanted to be faithful in answering that call.  Little did we know that this decision was going to have a much greater impact on our lives than we ever could have dreamed. Many may disagree, and that's OK, but I am a firm believer that when you make a decision to step out and lead, you are going to face challenges and attacks because of it.  This applies in every facet of life, but no more so than when you choose to lead others spiritually.  I believe with all of my heart that if you are working to see the advance of the Kingdom, Satan will actively work against you to prevent you from being successful.  This is not a blanket statement that covers the entirety of "bad things" that happen to people in an effort to relieve ourselves of blame or responsibility for our sin, but simply an observation made over time and one that I believe is Biblical. I can't say that everything that has happened to Lauren and I over the last two years is directly related to this decision, because in truth it is probably not, but I do believe that it had an impact.  

More on this and the other crazy events that we went through tomorrow...

In Him,

Chad

For everything there is a season . . .

As most of you know, we moved to Houston a little over two years ago. With the craziness of the move, new jobs, a new church, etc., we have admittedly been slacking on the blogging front since then, but it is time for us to get back with the program because we have a lot of life to share with you in the days, weeks, and months to come. 

Looking back over all that has happened the last two years, I can't help but to be reminded of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8: 

"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven. 

A time to be born and a time to die.

    A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace."

The last two years have shown us every season; good and bad, joy and heartache. We've rejoiced as new life has entered this world and wept as death took loved ones from us. We've shared lots of laughter with both new and old friends and we've shed tears at times when it seemed the world around us was crumbling. Overall, it has been a season of growth that has drawn Lauren & I closer together as a couple and closer to God. These updates have been a long time coming and I look forward to sharing them with you over the next few days. 

Our church just recently finished a sermon series entitled "Share Your Story...". During one of his sermons, our Pastor told us that God has given each of us a story to share and that though we often don't want to share the bad, it's the part of our story that we find hardest to talk about that will likely have the biggest impact on others. That is our goal with the upcoming series of posts. We want you to join us as we rejoice and celebrate the good and as we reflect and continue to try to heal from the pain that life often inflicts. Our hope is that God will be able to use the trials that we have walked through to bless others around us.  

As we share our story, we ask two things of those of you that might read some or all of these posts.  First, please don't ever read any of our words as a "Woe is me" post or a search for attention. As always, God has been more than faithful to take care of us in every situation and we only hope that through telling our story, we might be able to provide hope to someone that might be experiencing some of the same things that we did. We also know that though what we went through at times over the last few years was incredibly difficult for us, it pales in comparison to what so many other people are dealing with on a daily basis through out the world. Second, we ask that if anything you read touches you, strikes a nerve, or you find yourself walking through anything similar, don't hesitate to reach out to us. We would love to be able to talk to you, pray for you, and show you how God provided for us in our time of need.  

To Be Continued...

-Chad